The Rise and Rise of the 'Ultra Pimp'

So it is well overdue for a blog on the hillshood site. Some members are letting their fellow members down with false promises of blogs since February. Not naming any names... T-man. This blog chronicles the rise of a certain member, from the elegantly termed ‘Oompa Loompas’ to the equally elegant term ‘Ultra Pimp’ status.

Years and years ago in what seems like a distant past, a young man (with a particularly red neck) was gallivanting around the beautiful hub of Perth, Northbridge. He was a man that had yet acquired the taste of a good woman. He was on the prowl searching for a woman who would be up to the challenge. What he didn’t know was that he’d get more than he bargained for. He stumbled across the striking Deen dance floor and seemed to have made a connection with a particular girl. It was one for the ages, a momentous ‘eye f*****g’, his eyes were nearly popping out of his head.

She was moving: check, she was drunk: check, she has breasts: check. All three of the prerequisites were well and truly covered. So he casually moved closer in for a more detailed inspection. She notices this, and also moves closer. Before he knows it their hands are all over each other, grinding with the disregard of a rugby league player. He eventually ends up passionately, and intimately embracing her and all of her ‘inner’ beauty (it had to be inner because it sure wasn’t outer). While this is happening we all stand in disbelief about what has happened in what seemed like 2 seconds. A member of the illustrious Hillshood had reached new lows, hit rock bottom. We concluded that we would let it pass this time, but if it happened again we would be obliged to hold an intervention. Subsequently it would happen numerous times since. We never got around to that intervention… The most interesting case nearly ended up in a ‘St. Kilda’ like rape with an indigenous fellow by the stylish name of Garry.

Well enough about the past, as they say you learn from failures rather than success. In that case he’s a very wise man. I for one cannot judge as I’ve had similar if not a worse case of the deteriorative, degenerate disease of ‘Oompa Loompitice,’ I’m quite Rusty. Moving on a few years, in a distant mining town about 600.88 kms from Perth, he has begun dating a rather attractive young lady. This came out of nowhere cause he met her on the Garry night so what he did to impress her beats me and most probably himself. One thing that is certain once he got this female, he was going to do everything in his power to keep her thus maintain his new found status of ‘Ultra Pimp’. Examples of this are; going on a romantic getaway instead of seeing Thai ladies shoot ping pong balls out of a certain orifice (similar to Senior), no longer ‘JJI’; he saves himself for the intimate moment when the sheets are pulled over (similar to a particular furry farm animal), and finally showing his extremely brute, masculine side by getting reported in footy. What he’s doing seems to be working because he is now the envy of all of the fellow members. I myself look up to him and often find myself thinking ‘what would he do’. I ask for tips but he says ‘it just comes natural’ thus leaving me feeling despondent. But I also know that I cannot compare myself to such an ‘Ultra Pimp,’ levels of this magnitude of pimpage have only ever been achieved before by Wilt Chamberlain and Jeff Brown; two gods of the Pimp game. I’ve included a before and after pic below as evidence to prove the levels of improvement.

Before:

After:

I’ll conclude by saying, if she says she's into bondage, don't show her your financial portfolio, God Bless and Good Luck.

Cherry Popped

So the time has come for me to get my cherry popped… finally. This is a very special time in everyone’s life, especially mine, and I am very grateful to all of my now fellow members who have taken it slow and gentle with me. They made this a special time and I’ll never forget my first time. I am extremely grateful they weren’t rough and didn’t force anything upon me. Though having said this I am the one who started the catch phrase down south that practically everything means yes… If you don’t know what I’m talking about ask Laura, she loved it! Furthermore if you don’t know what I’m doing here I’m writing my first blog. I must admit I am excited by the prospect of joining the highly credentialed and illustrious authors of hillshood.

I’ve been brainstorming ideas about what to write and the first thing that came to my mind, other than boobs of course, was footy. So the footy season has just started for the boys and me. Though I haven’t really been attending due to part laziness and part studying aka facebook. All teams had comprehensive wins on the weekend and this was due in no small part to junior and Dutch. There have been some murmurings in the footy world that Dutch was going to step up this year and maybe even get out of the defensive fifty once the whole season, but to just flat out star like he did, I don’t know anyone who could’ve predicted that. It is probably due to his highly dedicated and motivated lifestyle whereby he works at nights and jji several times during the day. Maybe he’s stumbled upon a secret formula for improved endurance or maybe he’s just much lighter and aerodynamic because his balls are like raisins nobody knows. Either way he’s in for a big year and possibly be the first Dutchman ever drafted. As for myself Ill probably turn up occasionally do a few hammies, actually lose fitness throughout the year, and all in all just waste talent. The cougars look like they’ll be in for another big season and there’ll be updates throughout the season.

The next topic to discuss is uni. This is only to vent my anger at the concept of uni. It is like a devils lair minus the whips and cool dominatrix stuff (face it we all want to try a little bit of that). The place has worn me down; guess five and a half years will do that to you. Though having said that I finish in two months, which I cannot wait for! Once I’ve finished uni my days will no doubt be filled with mundane days at work, watching unimaginable amounts of illicit material and just being a guy. To me this sounds like a dream, uni is the only life I’ve known since finishing high school. From what I’ve heard from the now working class chaps, working gives you a high amount of freedom and independence which I cannot wait to experience for myself. Now as you all know I go to uni with Dutch, well we never go but we are enrolled in the same classes, I’m concerned for his wellbeing after I have graduated. He has another semester to complete after I do, but having said that he’ll probably attend and excel as I’m probably a bad influence. As evidenced by me bringing my laptop to one of our lectures recently and proceeding to play Asian porn on it, funnily enough the surrounded by a classroom full of asians and slummys. Furthermore I was looking up toppies for Mandurah all via the use of Curtin’s internet, bout the only good thing at uni.

In an exciting new twist for the hillshood, some members have been recently getting involved with the opposite sex. This has led me to be excited and to start thinking that maybe our group is finally turning into the womanising group I imagined when I first met my fellows members. Each member has the ability to pimp they just don’t know it, as evidenced below. I recently made a gentleman’s agreement with an unnamed member who lives in Kalgoorlie, that if he were to be successful in making a move on a rather attractive female, I myself would finally have to make a move on miss G. I think this gentleman’s agreement is beneficial to both parties as, she obviously wants it, and I myself have grown fond of the possibility of intimacy again (not forced this time). The aforementioned member has assured me he’s making progress and she is a nice girl which I’m thoroughly happy with due to my past failings in that area. The member has also informed me that a sheets incident isn’t far off and consequently is extremely excited and anxious. Additionally I do wish I had included an unspecified member in this agreement as he has been pussyfooting around for what seems like months now with also a rather attractive female. We all wish he’d make a move and I’m sure she does too, cause really who doesn’t want their clog tickled every now and then. Take my advice and go for it, you’ll regret it if you don’t at least get a bit of a fondle. Furthermore the infamous farm animal has been chatting to a few babes recently. This is a huge step forward for a man whose mannerisms when concerned with the opposite sex are extremely similar to Raj off The Big Bang Theory. He has been informing them of his impending purchase of a house and they seem impressed with this. I don’t know if owing a house suggests you are like a donkey down there but it seems to attract the babes.

Finally Ill wrap my first blog up with some recent news that I and senior currie will be travelling to the USA at the end of the year. I am thoroughly excited as I hear the fairer sex over there love Australians’ chipolatas. This will be a great time and I really just hope I don’t get arrested. Though I do imagine I’ll probably have to further increase my already high amount of times I visit the doctor.
God bless

This Shit is Intense

I'm slightly disappointed with the little interest in this blog lately; Trav still hasn't finished his supposedly awesome Max Tucker-esque blog and no one else apart from Goat has even bothered to write one. Pretty gay! I am soo fucking bored right now it's not even funny anymore. It's pretty much just myself and Mum at home these days. I am still stacking shelves which is even worse than it was before, mainly because two of the guys who are around my age just left. So it's basically down to myself and two other guys, then all the older girls and Connie....Depressing.

This is how boring work gets

The only things I look forward to these days is literally Saturdays where I have footy and also going out and getting smashed on Saturday nights. Everyday in between is just another day of the same old shit....Fridays are okay though, yeah I like Fridays. Sunday nights at work used to be fun because all four of us 'Awesome Supervisors' were on and we would literally just fuck around and do nothing. One thing I enjoy about work however, I, being a Supervisor and all, am one of three nightfill people to have the key and access code to the drinks garage across the road from work. I go there every night with one of both of the other two nightfill guys, and just sit there fucking around on my phone, just talking and bitching about the store for half an hour to an hour. Probably the only reason I can keep working there without getting too angry and quitting is coz I can do whatever I want (I generally choose to do nothing) and get away with it because I'm a Supervisor. Pretty sure this is exactly what I'm gonna do tonight, it is good having an iPhone.

#Neale

So yeah, back to what I was saying before. Life at home has been so unbelievably boring ever since my bro moved out of home. I've had a couple of phases where I haven't been going to bed til like 4-5am every morning, or if I go earlier I can't sleep anyway. Last phase like this probably ended Dec/Jan this year, whereby I would be talking to Trav til at least 3am every night, then after I'd still be awake so I'd go for a run or something or walk through the bush and go on reconnaissance missions through people's properties. It was so messed up and ridiculously boring. FUCK IT WAS BORING!!! Anyway, I started sleeping in the Games room during the end of Feb and ever since then I have been going to bed round 1am or so. I've since taken over the Games room, it's just better...I watch movies nd shit to keep me entertained then go to bed.

My parents are pretty keen to move; probably to somewhere near Fremantle. It's more my Mum; I think she must be getting bored too. But yeah, it looks like they want to move soon, like end of the year maybe. Therefore, I have made my mind up that I am going to move out around that time as well. I also plan to get a proper job around this time too. I wanna move relatively close to the city...anywhere past Leach Hwy would be great. Biggles just moved out, Goat just bought a house and plans to move out, Bird also wants to move out...Fuck I want to get out of here! Haha (jokes).

Fuck Good Friday was boring, easily the boringest day of the year so far. I had plans but they fell through coz of a little reciprocated anger. Been playing a little bit of golf lately, it's good, it keeps me occupied. I haven't done much uni work lately, probably coz I would rather think about going out drinking and girls. Uni can be a little boring. It's not really that hard either.









This weekend should be alright. Should be going out with the sandwich featuring Bird and getting drunk. This weekend is going to be a General Hunt...which is also good.

Wedge

Seeing the next wedge trip is less than 2 weeks away, I thought I'd just get the ball rolling on the organisational front. I'll be up north until the 31st, so I'll only be in Perth on the Thursday before Easter. I'm assuming Trav wont get back until thursday night as well. So basically we need to sort out a time to leave, prob aim to leave around 10am on Easter Friday??? and how long we are gonna go up for? Who is gonna be coming, atm it looks like only a crew of 4, but has potential to include biggles and sparrow. whos on gas duty n whos gonna drive. are we gonna risk the road or take the tracks?

Mexican Stand-off

I'm pretty unbusy at work right now, seeing the crusher is down and hence there is no mining of ore to be done. The lack of jobs for me to do that I know how to do has temped me to write a blog.

I know I havn't posted the second half of my blog about new years yet. so i thought i'd sum it up in a few lines. We Drank some drinks with Jb, had dinner, I fell asleep only to get woken up by jim n trav attempting to rape me with sand. we went to Club Wedge, where Jim didn't get let in for being over dressed, so he jumped the fence. Trav found Allyssa n jacked it on the D floor. The Club went off, heaps of techno, which diji would have loved, and some dodgy wanna be rapper, who might have been banyard in a skinny suit. Heaps of Glow Sticks, and Drinks and Jim saw a couple of chicks fighting. Trav disapeared during a beer run back to the shack, never to be seen again that night, which we later found out was when he tried to get in bed with Allyssa.

Jisbag n myself went back to club wedge, n cant realy remember what happened. Spoke to diji although not sure what about, prob Trav tuning Allyssa and Club Wedge. We went back to JB's set up, n talked to some randoms for awhile cos JB was in bed. Pretty sure we rang diji again n he talked about jackin it. Can't Really remember much else about that night.

The next day the only interesting thing was the helicopters picking up injured ppl. we talked to some rat who reckons he was a safe driver then a few minutes later almost crashed. Also trav caught another snake, and decided to put it in the shack, n im pretty sure its in dijis bed right now.

We left the day after driving along the new road which was pretty quick, although we still needed to go back to lano to pump up tyres.

Neway i should probably get back to work. Hope your happy diji

History 101 - The Hills Hood story

I have no idea what I'm going to write in this blog, normally 'Goat', is the theme central to all of my blogs; this post will be no exception. I'm pretty sure this will be the 99th post on this site which is a fair achievement for such a small, local blog. Okay, I think I might have an idea. Might just talk about the history of Hills Hood for this blog, and also, Goat.

This is my recollection of how the Hills Hood street gang came to be.

The Incorporation of Hills Hood (Mid 2004,Year 11)
Pretty sure GTA: San Andreas had just come out. Everyone was talking 'bout it n shit, I played a lot of GTA and thought I was a nigga. Tim Laf, Trav and I were walking back from the oval and heading to our Intro Calc class. We were talking about GTA and street niggas, I was like "Yeah, we're the Hood boys", Trav was like "Fuck you Hood boys! This is the Hills."

Pretty sure this was where the two Hills Hood factions first started, a fierce rivalry soon developed between the two.

The Proclamation of Hidden Creek (Unofficially 2001)
I first discovered Hidden Creek as an eager young 13 year old in the November of 2001. I even wrote my name with chalk on the rock surface that day. From then on, I travelled through Hidden Creek many times on bike and on foot, on my way into Hills territory to discuss Hills Hood issues with the Hills brigade. It is a very spiritual place and is the cornerstone of the Hills Hood organisation as it represents peace, strength and the occasional export.

It is also approximately halfway geographically between the Hills and the Hood, and is a neutral meeting ground for both Hills and Hood members alike.

Hills Hood granted exclusive rights to Hidden Creek (2004, Year 11)
I used to ditch period 25 on a Wednesday or Thursday of school almost every week. Occasionally during this time and also after an exam had finished, myself, and sometimes Goat, would walk home via Hidden Creek. Around August 2004, the Hills issued a challenge to the Hood for a 2-on-2 basketball challenge. We told the Hills to meet us at Hidden Creek as a sign of 'Good Faith'...they declined. I think Goat may have went, I chose not to (probably Jackin' it instead). Anyway, Goat rocked up in Hills turf only to be shocked by the fact that the Hills had called up a 'ring-in' to make the match 1 vs 3. Goat lost the subsequent match (surprise surprise) and Hidden Creek was claimed by the Hills Hood.

The Inaugural Hills Hood Tennis Court Cricket Match (2004/2005)
Like I said before, we ditched almost every period 25 on a Wednesday/Thursday, one afternoon two Hood members and two of the Hills finest, faced each other off in a battle for glory! The Hood lost...we just kept choking. Like, we'd be kicking ass, but we'd always fuck it up. I honestly reckon it was because the Hills kept changing rules as we were going which favoured them. But yeah, it was awhile before the Hood finally one a HHTCC match, but since then the Hood hasn't looked back!

Many Hills Hood challenges were created in the next couple of years: Gamecube, Wii, drinking, JJI?, spiking Goat's drinks (more of a Hills + me versus Goat challenge)...and so on.

The incorporation of the Hills Hood blog (May 2006)
Blogs were all the craze back in 2005 (our last year of school). We used to all use WindowsLive Spaces to blog about our thoughts and whatnot. Biggles on the other hand, convinced us all that Bloggers were better. Biggles' blog was actually interesting and very lively back then Steatopygous Simon. His blogs were very interesting and very cutting-edge, Lodge even had a blogger or two (both have been deleted since). We used to write anonymous comments on both blogs all the fucking time (mainly Trav and me). One day we decided to make a rival blog i.e. Hills Hood.

Hills Hood was so powerful that it wiped both of Lodge's blogs off the internet and raped the shit out of Biggles'.

First Wedge Trip (July 2006)
Wedge has always been a big part of Hills Hood culture. The trip north is normally preceded by the end of a Uni semester, but not always. First time we went up to Wedge under the Hills Hood name was July 2006; I was pretty down cause I had failed Uni big time; Lodge could really sink piss and was also a bit wild; Trav probably had just started to get wild; and Goat was confused over a couple of ditsy girls.

It was a good experience because we were just 18 and hadn't really done too much shit like that by ourselves. It was pretty crazy actually:
- I nearly accidentally stabbed Trav in the eye with a metal prong. Only millimetres away from fucking his eye up. Very stupid.
- Trav and I fought again, we used to end up fighting all the time. Probably just immaturity..who knows.
- Lodge smashed 12-14 beers and went driving absolutely fucked off his face.
- Trav threw all of the petrol Goat brought up for the Generator onto the fire.

The main story I remember from that trip was spiking the fuck out of Goat's drink, and getting him absolutely raped! It would have to be in the top three times I've seen Goat drunk, probably even top two. Goat was so gone he was telling his all his fantasies about these girls who he liked, and like everything else about them. It was an interesting experience to say the least. One of those girls Goat, she was actually pretty nice, you will probably think I'm a cunt for constantly bringing her name up LoL. But she was nice (have a crack man!).

So that was the story of how the Hills Hood came to be by and large.