The Rise and Rise of the 'Ultra Pimp'

So it is well overdue for a blog on the hillshood site. Some members are letting their fellow members down with false promises of blogs since February. Not naming any names... T-man. This blog chronicles the rise of a certain member, from the elegantly termed ‘Oompa Loompas’ to the equally elegant term ‘Ultra Pimp’ status.

Years and years ago in what seems like a distant past, a young man (with a particularly red neck) was gallivanting around the beautiful hub of Perth, Northbridge. He was a man that had yet acquired the taste of a good woman. He was on the prowl searching for a woman who would be up to the challenge. What he didn’t know was that he’d get more than he bargained for. He stumbled across the striking Deen dance floor and seemed to have made a connection with a particular girl. It was one for the ages, a momentous ‘eye f*****g’, his eyes were nearly popping out of his head.

She was moving: check, she was drunk: check, she has breasts: check. All three of the prerequisites were well and truly covered. So he casually moved closer in for a more detailed inspection. She notices this, and also moves closer. Before he knows it their hands are all over each other, grinding with the disregard of a rugby league player. He eventually ends up passionately, and intimately embracing her and all of her ‘inner’ beauty (it had to be inner because it sure wasn’t outer). While this is happening we all stand in disbelief about what has happened in what seemed like 2 seconds. A member of the illustrious Hillshood had reached new lows, hit rock bottom. We concluded that we would let it pass this time, but if it happened again we would be obliged to hold an intervention. Subsequently it would happen numerous times since. We never got around to that intervention… The most interesting case nearly ended up in a ‘St. Kilda’ like rape with an indigenous fellow by the stylish name of Garry.

Well enough about the past, as they say you learn from failures rather than success. In that case he’s a very wise man. I for one cannot judge as I’ve had similar if not a worse case of the deteriorative, degenerate disease of ‘Oompa Loompitice,’ I’m quite Rusty. Moving on a few years, in a distant mining town about 600.88 kms from Perth, he has begun dating a rather attractive young lady. This came out of nowhere cause he met her on the Garry night so what he did to impress her beats me and most probably himself. One thing that is certain once he got this female, he was going to do everything in his power to keep her thus maintain his new found status of ‘Ultra Pimp’. Examples of this are; going on a romantic getaway instead of seeing Thai ladies shoot ping pong balls out of a certain orifice (similar to Senior), no longer ‘JJI’; he saves himself for the intimate moment when the sheets are pulled over (similar to a particular furry farm animal), and finally showing his extremely brute, masculine side by getting reported in footy. What he’s doing seems to be working because he is now the envy of all of the fellow members. I myself look up to him and often find myself thinking ‘what would he do’. I ask for tips but he says ‘it just comes natural’ thus leaving me feeling despondent. But I also know that I cannot compare myself to such an ‘Ultra Pimp,’ levels of this magnitude of pimpage have only ever been achieved before by Wilt Chamberlain and Jeff Brown; two gods of the Pimp game. I’ve included a before and after pic below as evidence to prove the levels of improvement.

Before:

After:

I’ll conclude by saying, if she says she's into bondage, don't show her your financial portfolio, God Bless and Good Luck.